How Can I Build My Confidence?
Hey there! I’m excited you’re here.
I’ve been blessed with being able to help others build their confidence over the years so I’m diving into a question that came up recently and that I’m sure many of you have, “How do I actually gain confidence, especially as a leader or business owner?“
If you’ve ever wondered how to feel more confident at work, in your business, or just as a person navigating life’s challenges, you’re in the right place. This is the beginning of a friendly, honest conversation—no judgment, no sugarcoating, no impossible standards. Let’s get real and practical about building confidence, step by step.
“If we can be open and honest with ourselves about the worst parts and the best parts of ourselves, we can then begin to remove the shame and the guilt and instead, focus on simply being who we are—and that, that is confidence.”
Why Confidence?
Let’s be honest. No matter how experienced or skilled you are, everyone struggles with self-doubt at times. Especially when you step into a new role—maybe you’ve just started your own business, or you’ve become a leader in your company. Suddenly, all eyes are on you, and you’re supposed to have all the answers.
But here’s the thing:
Confidence isn’t something you just have or don’t have.
It’s like a house, it’s something you build, brick by brick, by showing up honestly, learning about yourself, and making choices that are true to your values. And all sturdy houses start with a strong foundation.
We’re not aiming for some impossible perfection here. I don’t expect that all of you are engineers who need perfect measurements. Instead, I’m going to walk you through a practical four-part process (that really all comes together as step one!) for getting real with yourself, so your confidence is grounded in who you actually are—on your best days and your worst.
Redefining Confidence for Today’s Leaders
Whether you’re leading a corporate team, running your own business, or just trying to be the best version of yourself for your friends and family, confidence starts with the same foundation: self-honesty.
Why does this matter?
Because it’s easy to think that confidence means always showing up as the best version of ourselves, smiling for the camera, deeply feeling sure of yourself, always having it together, and never making mistakes. In reality, ‘picture-perfect’ confidence isn’t confidence at all—it’s just a good coat of house paint, and it crumbles the minute that life happens. You know what I mean, the life that makes you doubt, question, wonder why…
As leaders, business owners, or just as humans, we need a confidence that’s real, that holds up under pressure, and that doesn’t depend on flawless performance.
Before you take the first step toward Confidence
You MUST get real with yourself. It all boils down to this: Know yourself, the good and the not-so-good. This is the cement of your foundation. If you aren’t honest and real with yourself, it’s like trying to build a foundation with cement that’s too dry or too wet. It will either crumble before you get started, or ooze out of the mold.
They say good relationships are built on trust right? You can’t trust yourself if you’re lying to yourself… getting real is scary and sometimes it hurts a little because we all have things about ourselves that we don’t like. But it can also be the first step toward confidence because the truth is, if you’re reading this blog, chances are you are a lot harder on yourself than you are on other people. So, lets mix our cement well, try the below exercises to help you get truthful.
Write Down 7–10 of the Best Things About You
We’re starting on a positive note!
Your first task is simple: grab a notebook or open a blank doc, and write down seven to ten of the best things about you. These are your defining features, gifts, or qualities—things that make you, well, you.
- Kindness?
- Patience?
- Great sense of humor?
- Persistent as a bulldog that was just promised snacks?
- Creative problem-solver?
Don’t hold back. This isn’t about boasting.
It’s about being real and honest with yourself. Okay and maybe a little boasting, because no one else is going to see this anyway… Forget being humble, take 5 minutes and be proud of who you are.
“Wherever you’re at, you have something unique to offer this world. And there’s seven to ten things about you that are the defining features of the best version of yourself.”
Why Is This Important?
If you don’t recognize your strengths, how can you expect anyone else to? Plus, you can save this in your rainy day file and when things are really difficult, you can remind yourself how much of a badass you are.
Write Down 7–10 of the Most Annoying Things About You
Now comes the honest part. We all have stuff about ourselves that drives us crazy—or drives other people crazy.
Maybe you’re forgetful. Do you procrastinate? Maybe you’re easily distracted or a bit stubborn.
Instructions:
- List seven to ten things you find annoying about yourself.
- Not sure what to write? Think about your pet peeves in other people—they often mirror what bothers us about ourselves! Example: If people being late annoys you, maybe you’re sometimes guilty of the same, or used to be and someone taught you that it was NOT okay.
- Don’t include things you can’t change, like your height or hair color. Focus on habits, tendencies, or personality traits.
“The people around us tend to reflect back to us the things that we like and don’t like about ourselves.”
My Example
For me, one of the most annoying things about me is that I struggle with consistency. Day after day, I’m working on it, but it’s a recurring challenge.
Now you try. Be honest, but don’t beat yourself up.
Next, Find 3–5 Values That Guide You
When we talk about confidence, part of that is knowing what we would fight for if asked to. Now that you know your highs and lows, let’s talk values.
Write down three to five values that you can live by, both in business and at home. These are your non-negotiables, your homing beacon when things get tough. These are the key ingredients to the concrete of your foundation.
Think about it like this:
- What are the beliefs or principles you’d stand on a hill and shout about?
- What makes you want to rise up and take action if you see those values ignored or trampled?
- When something goes against these values, does it make your blood boil?
Examples:
- Honesty
- Compassion
- Fairness
- Creativity
- Advocacy
If you need help figuring this out, join the Perspective Shifters Hub!
We’ve got more exercises and resources waiting for you.
“Finding those three to five values and then the seven to ten, best and most annoying things about you give you a baseline. It tells you who you are as a person on your worst days and on your best days, and at the very core of who you are.”
Step 1 to Confidence: Set the Expectation of Who You Are
Here’s the magic trick for confidence: Set expectations with people in your life about who you are—the challenging and rewarding things you bring to the table. Setting expectations up front ensures that the people around you know what you wont tolerate too.
Giving them a guideline of what to expect allows you to be truly YOU.
If you’re forgetful, let them know. If you sometimes get distracted, or if you’re incredibly creative but struggle with follow-through, talk about it!
And don’t forget to share your best parts, too.
This kind of openness does three crucial things:
- Removes the imposter syndrome – No more hiding or pretending.
- Builds trust with others – People know exactly what to expect.
- Gives you freedom to show up as yourself – That is the core of confidence.
“A lot of people in society think that showing up as your best self is how you’re able to be more confident. Just show up every single day as your best self and the confidence will grow. But the fact is, you’re human… and it’s impossible for everybody to show up as the best version of themselves every single day.”
Step 1 In Building Confidence
Anyone need a recap?
Step 1 requires you to get real so…
- Write the 7–10 best things about you.
- Write the 7–10 most annoying things about you.
- Find your 3–5 core values.
Then – Set the expectation of who you are—with yourself and with others.
By doing these exercises, you’ll build a personal roadmap:
- Who you are on your best days
- Who you are on your worst days
- What you stand for, no matter what
This isn’t just a checklist. It’s raw, honest, and—if you let it be—liberating.
Why Setting Expectations Builds Unshakable Confidence
As our parents and society raised us, we were taught that some things were not acceptable about who we were. Most of us are taught to always —to hide our flaws, push down vulnerability, and never let ‘em see you at your worst. But when you’re upfront about who you are (good stuff and rough spots), something amazing happens:
- There’s no shame. You own your narrative.
- There’s no fear of being “found out”. Because nobody can use your imperfections against you if you already own them.
- Others trust you more. Because you’re real, not pretending.
And best of all—the right people will accept and value you more, not less. Those that don’t, well there’s someone else for them, and a door right there (she said, pointing to her door.)
“Set the expectation of who you are with those in your life and that is step one for how to gain confidence for yourself.”
Real World Example
Let’s say you lead a small team, and you know you sometimes drop the ball on responding to emails promptly.
You could hide it—maybe let guilt eat at you when you fall behind. Or, you could set the expectation:
- “Hey team, quick heads up: I can get absorbed in projects and sometimes miss emails. If you need a quick response, text me or drop by my desk to nudge me.”
Now, you’ve owned something that’s challenging about you, removed the shame, and empowered your team to work with you as you are.
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Confident
Here’s the relief:
Confidence does not mean showing up as your “best self” every single day. That’s not just unrealistic—it’s impossible!
You’ll have great days, rough days, and everything in between.
The point isn’t to fake it until you make it. I know people think that this is an acceptable strategy and sometimes when our brain doesn’t believe how good we are we do have to fake it, but this isn’t sustainable. The point is to be real and honest, to stop wasting time and energy trying to be perfect. When you know your strengths and quirks, and to refuse to carry shame about the things that make you you, it opens up a different path for us to shine.
“If we can be more open and honest with others about who we are as a person—about the worst parts of ourselves—hell, if we can be open and honest with ourselves about the worst parts and the best parts of ourselves, we can then begin to remove the shame and the guilt and instead focus on simply being who we are, and that is confidence.”
Next Steps: Keep Building, Keep Growing
This is just part one, the foundation of building your confidence.
As you work through these exercises, you’re laying the foundation for real, meaningful confidence. Our brain works to prove us correct… so,
- Revisit your lists regularly.
- Give yourself grace on the hard days.
- Let go of perfection.
- Set clear expectations with those around you.
- Stand up for your values, big and small, with others and with yourself.
Want resources to help you find your core values? Or want to swap stories with other people on the journey?
Join the Perspective Shifters Hub for more support and community.
Ask Your Own Questions!
This whole post came from a question submitted by someone just like you.
Is there a leadership, mental health, or communications challenge you’re wrestling with?
Want to know how to handle a tricky team dynamic or build resilience in hard times?
Have questions about the study of Human Design?
Submit your question here. I answer new questions all the time, and you might see yours featured in a future post!
And don’t forget:
- Subscribe for more insights and Q&A
- Comment below with your own lists—What’s awesome and annoying about you?
- Share with a fellow leader, entrepreneur, or anyone who could use a confidence boost.
You are enough as you are. Now go out there and shift perspectives with courage, honesty, and perspective.
“At the end of the day, confidence isn’t about being the loudest in the room—it’s about being the most honest with yourself.”
Check out the Youtube video that inspired this post: https://youtu.be/hRjpNtisl-w
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